NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES

NUMBER OF THE BEAST

Top 12 Things People Think the '95' in 'Windows95' Really Stands For

12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.

11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.

10. The number of floppies it will ship in.

9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.

6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.

5. The number of minutes to install.

4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

1. The year it was due to ship.

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Other Additions from SofTeach Attendees

a. The number of seconds before it crashes.

b. Bill Gates' age when it ships.

c. Microsoft never told you what century!!

Instructions for Windows 98

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.

Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase.

But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes."

If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed-permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10,000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as a single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, finger-prints, or retina scan, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).

Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

The Committee...

Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does that, too

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus

EXCEL 97 Flight Simulator !?#$#

Ever wonder why Microsoft applications seem to become bigger with each new release? Read on ...

Apparently the constant rain in Redmond has driven Bill's engineers to obsessive flights of fancy. Below you'll find instructions on how to access a little flight simulator that was inexplicably hidden by precipitation-maddened programmers deep inside Excel 97.

In Excel 97, open a new blank work sheet. Press F5 (go to function) and type X97:L97 in the "Reference" box, then click OK. Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97). Here's the tricky part:

press "Ctrl" and "Shift" while clicking once on the "chart wizard" icon, the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar chart).

After a few moments you should be flying. Steer with the mouse, accel and decel with the left and right mouse buttons respectively, and look for the monolith with the programmer credits. You can exit the screen by pressing Ctrl+Shift+Esc.

Steer with the mouse. Moving it sideways moves you sideways. Acceleration depends on mouse acceleration. Left click to zoom in, right click to zoom out. You can hit escape to quit, but then you must restart excel and do it all over again to get back.

Have fun!

Does Bill Gates have a problem we don't know about?

1. Open a new document in Word

2.Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)

3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed

4. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses.

"My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."

The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."